I've moved!

My blog is now here: https://bobbobbson.wordpress.com/

I won't update this one anymore. I'll move the better posts from her over there, but otherwise I'm abandoning this site.

Comics!

So I forgot to comeback and post a link to my comic blog, although you could find it through my blogger profile... Here it is: http://knowherecomics.blogspot.com

So far, it's been good. I wrote one news story, one review, and compiled a few posts of digital comic sales.  There will be more to come, including a few editorials on things like the state of Deadpool and Wolverine, and even me beating dead horses like Rob Liefeld and Spider-man: One More Day.

Every new begining comes from some other begining's end.

Okay, here's what is going down in the next week or so here

1. I am shutting down the "Bobbson Productions" Blog.
2. My personal rants/posts/ect will stay on here. I'll keep my 1 follower posted on any goings on with me in this space.

And for my big reveal - I am starting a new, yet to be named, comic blog. Reviews, news, deals, commentary, etc. I'll post the link here when it opens.
This is one, like I originally intended with Bobbson Productions, will hopefully have more than just me writing it, if I can get anyone else to come aboard. I'm already courting one person for it, but he doesn't actually know that, lol.

If that goes well, I may start another blog for movie related things, and see where it goes from there.
And this is where Bobbson Productions re-enters the picture. Those will be under the "Bobbson Productions" banner. It will no longer be a blog itself, but a blanket name for whatever blogs I have (except for this one, because this isn't a "production" it's just me posting random shit.)

So, that's my new plan, until I give up and abandon it like everything else I have ever posted on here as my "new project". lol

Testing this out.

Alright, so I just figured I’d test this thing out.

I bought a new plain text, basic writing app on my Macbook, called Desk. One of the cool features of it is that I can just type a bunch of shit into it, like I am right now, hit 1 button, and bam! it’s on my blog.

Up until now, I’ve always went to the blogger site to write posts, but this is much more convenient. Hopefully with that convenience comes me writing more blog posts.

I’ve been intending to write more…maybe I will now. Push all the depression posts off the first page & shit.

I’ve been doing a marathon run each night of the [REC] movies. Tomorrow is the last one [REC] 4: Apocalypse. Maybe when I finish I’ll write a retrospective piece on the series.

Later.

No one wants to die alone, broken and insane.

Well.

Excuse me if this is rambling and somewhat incoherent...I've been drinking. I'm not drunk, but I might be a little off my game. I apologize.

So, another birthday as come and gone. I'm 29 now.  29 years on this earth. Jesus, it feels like yesterday was when I was 18, fresh faced and eager to take on the world. Has it really been 11 years already? 11 years since I ended up squandering my potential?  I guess so.

As each day has passed since I turned 29, I've sort of just slipped more and more into apathetic-ness. I'm slowly just shutting down and feeling less and less. Sun comes up, sun does down. One day closer to death.   One year closer to being that fat, 30 year old basement dwelling (metaphorically, we don't have a basement) friendless, kiss-less, relationship-less recluse virgin that I swore I would never let myself become.  That person who I would laugh at when I saw them somewhere.  The one I was slowly becoming right in front of my eyes, too blind to actually see it happening until it was here.

What really sparked me writing this today, was I was watching some videos on youtube, when I came across a creative wedding proposal video. It was a man proposing to his girlfriend in a photo booth.

While I was watching it, I broke down and started crying. Yeah, it's a heartwarming video, but it wasn't so much that that part of it was moving me. I was picturing myself in that situation. Happy. No longer alone.  Then I thought about how I will never experience that. I will never have someone.  That's when I started to cry.

In conclusion, (Ugh, I hate starting conclusions like this, but I can't think of anything else right now) I'm making do. I've been trying to think a lot about, and come to terms with, many things in my life. I have a really shitty hand here, but I dealt it. It's all my fault, I fucked it all up, and I have no idea how to fix it. I have flirted with one way to escape all this, and taking that action next year on my 30th birthday.
Most of my suicidal talk has been just that, talk. I always end up not going through with it. This time though? I'm not completely sure yet.  I guess we'll see how things are going in 355 days.

---

The Appendices  (Who the fuck do I think I am, Tolkien?)

I
Why do I feel like I'll always be alone?
Because I have been so far. I don't see any reason why that should change. No one has ever been interested in me. I can't say I blame them though, I know I'm not really much of a catch (especially the last couple years, when this depression popped up).  The problem is that I've now gotten to a point where I feel no one will want me. I'm damaged goods. I'm pushing thirty and I don't even know how to fucking kiss, because I never have.
I mean, think about that for a minute. Who the fuck wants to be with someone who is nearing 30 and is so damn inexperienced. I have no idea how to work to maintain a relationship, because I've never had one. I'd probably be a terrible fuck, because I'd have no idea what I'm doing. There is just so much wrong with me at this point. And now I've grown into this huge fucking ball of depression & anxiety that no one would ever want in their life. I'm toxic.

Two 
Are you really thinking about killing yourself? Why would you every do that?
Yes. Truth is, though, I probably won't actually do it. I'm too much of a chickenshit coward to do it.
One thing I feel I need to always make clear since that Roger fuck did his shit, and my situation sounds similar to his...I don't want to hurt anyone. He was an egomaniac psycho who thought the world owed him a girlfriend.
I am a self esteem lacking self loather. The world doesn't owe me shit. I needed to get out there and try to meet someone, make a connection. I fucked that up. I am the only one to blame, no one else. That's why the only person I want to hurt is myself.

3
Untitled.
I did meet a girl recently...one I work with.  I tried to be nice, but my anxiety and social awkwardness got the worst of me and I barely spoke a word to her. I would honestly sit at my desk, every possible negative scenario of what could happen if I tried talking to her floating through my head.  My heart racing just at the thought of trying to make small talk with her. In the end, all I could do was give her a few sheepish "Hello"s and "Good Night"s at the start and end of my shift.
I like her, she's nice...She's also completely not interested, and (not surprisingly) is in a committed relationship. So I just went back and crossed her off the "Possibly available?" list I had in my head (of which she was the only person currently on said list) and just went back about my business.

But of course, I had mentioned to my mom that there was a girl my age at the office, and she told my fucking grandparents.  At Christmas dinner, my Grandfather turned into a goddamned interrogator. "Hey, that girl you work with, is she pretty? Is she your age? Is she married? No...Is she single?" Just on and on. (the line of questioning was much longer than that too.) I fucking walked away.
Then later his sister (my great-aunt) showed up and she started in "Where's your girlfriend?" and laid into me for a long time about it. I just sulked for the rest of the night.
NOTE: People, if you know any forever alones who are really depressed about being alone, don't do that bullshit to them.

Enough rambling.

FIN

Tag Team, back again!

Well, it's been a while.

Life has been a little interesting these last four months (I guess. This is my life we're talking about, nothing about it is really that interesting).

I got a new job! I've been here about 2 months now. I really like it. Much more relaxed than the last place. They don't treat me like shit like my last bosses did either. I also don't have to put in 3-5 extra hours each day to keep things running, which I don't get paid for because it was "unapproved overtime" I come in, work my shift and go home. People help me if I need help. We all work together. Basically, this business is actually run like a business, unlike my last place of employment.

Still depressed. I haven't gotten to the point of even flirting with killing myself though. The thought still enters my mind from time to time, but nothing where I'm actually grabbing a knife or anything.  Worst thing I've done is just lie in bed all day staring at the wall. If what I was dealing with before was Depression, with a capital D, then this is just diet Depression. It's the refreshing, no calorie alternative. I'll gladly take that instead.

I have to get back to writting whitty blog post titles.

I feel like I'm making some headway with my depression. Well, a little

Today is an exceptionally bad day. Probably the worst I've had in a while. No 'getting a knife and sitting around staring at my wrist' like my worst days, but it's pretty bad.

HOWEVER, I've got most of it internalized and I'm functioning pretty much like a normal person. No one would be able to tell, looking at me, that I am just sort of numb to everything and constantly thinking about death. So, at least I've got it under control that much.

I guess that's progress, right?

Changed Blog colors

Since I've started this blog, it's been black & red themed.

For a long time, that was my favorite color combination. It isn't any more. I figured I'd liven this up a bit, make it less dark and depressing (well, less dark anyway).

Destroying my E-Reputation

Well, here is what I wrote last night.

I have no idea why I'm posting it. It pulls back the curtain on who I am and hopefully gives a bit of context and insight into me. On the other hand, it shows how pathetic I really am. Posting this, if it got out on some of the sites I visit, is basically internet suicide.

This is slightly fictional, only in what I wrote took place over a couple days and I consolidated it all into one. It is pretty much a sum up of a day in the life of me.

I apologize that the writing isn't my best. It starts out much stronger than it finishes. There are two reasons for that 1) I haven't written anything really in years, so I'm a little rusty 2) The more personal and depressing the subject got, I was less in the mood for flowery prose. This was pretty much just a free flowing writing exercise. Putting everything that came to mind down on paper.

So continue on if you want. Just be ready to be depressed.

I'm writing.

Well, I'm writing something.

It's not pretty. It's dark, personal and depressing. I'll probably post it up here in chunks. Maybe not. I dunno.

Really, it's just me letting out everything. All the stuff I hate about myself. Every step I have made in my life which has been wrong. How I am a complete failure.

I probably shouldn't post it I guess.

Nevermind. Forget about it.

I'm so confused, am I a normal person?

So, I guess it's time to try to get back to some sense of normalcy.

Last time I had a bad downswing I posted a shit load of depressed posts and deleted the fuck out of them when I felt better (Well, it appears I deleted them, they are still here but hidden.). I don't think I'm going to do it this time.

I like to keep it as a reminder. This way I can look back and say "James, don't let that happen again." So I will. Here they will remain, showing the vulnerability that I am shocked I revealed on the internet. It will also motivate me to write more blog posts. If I want to get these off the front page of the blog and tucked away, I'll need to create some more content to push them down.

I like writing. I don't do it enough. This should help.

I completely feel like shit now.

Last night, as part of my complete breakdown, I sent a cryptic "I'm Sorry" tweet to one of my friends on twitter. This guy is like an internet brother almost, we talk daily and shit. And I just did that, then left him hanging for an hour, even after he asked if I was alright.

I told myself I would never do that. No matter how bad my issues got, I wouldn't make them someone else's issues. This guy has never met me. We talk constantly, but in real world terms, I'm probably a nobody to him. And here, at 3 AM his time, I DM him and throw all this shit onto him.

He was understandably confused, and I'm sure shaken up by it. I mean, to have someone you don't know very well just be like "Hey, killing myself now" (in not such blunt language) must be a horrible thing. I really care about him, he's essentially the only friend I have left in my life. I can't believe I did that shit to him. He didn't ask for that, he didn't deserve that.

I have no idea why I did it. Maybe it was me attempting to cry for help, reaching out to one of the few people I thought I could go to? Maybe I just needed to get it out and tell someone? All I know is it was a horrible thing to do and I shouldn't have. I just wasn't thinking clearly at the time. That isn't a good excuse though.

I haven't heard from him since, and I really hope I didn't ruin one of the good only things I had left in my life.

I'm sorry Matt.

Back again.

I need to stop posting only under these circumstances.

Last night I pretty much reached my breaking point. I was ready to do it. I'm not completely sure why I didn't kill myself, but I ended up curled up on my floor sobbing, with a couple hesitation marks left on my wrist as the only evidence that it had occured.

Now I sort of wish I had just gotten it over with. I know I'll be back at that point again soon enough, I could have just saved time and pain and taken care of it then. I already feel dead inside, might as well just be dead.

I just have so much hatred for myself inside. I'm a nobody. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being whose only purpose in life is to be a cog in the machine that is society and be miserable every single day.

I'm a failure. Even when it comes to killing myself, apparently.

The Balcony is Closed.

I have a pretty awful memory. There are large patches of my life that are hazy for some reason. There is one thing that is very clear to me, though. Me, as a young child, sitting on my grandparent's floor in front of the TV watching Siskel & Ebert on the weekends.

I discovered Siskel & Ebert at a very young age. At the time it was most likely their banter and heated discussions on movies that drew me to them.  That isn't what kept me tuned in though. Their critical assessments on film transformed me. Until that point, movies had just been flashy imagery and noise that I watched to pass the time. It was solely to entertain me. It was Siskel & Ebert that showed me that movies could be more. That they could provoke critical thinking from me, or even move me.

I continued to follow them through to the tragic passing of Gene Siskel in 1999. I was a freshman in high school at that time, just starting to think about what I wanted to do with my life. There was the sensible approach that I was likely to follow, but there was a seed planted in the back of my head by these two men, one that continues there to this day and I hope to eventually accomplish, to be a film director. I watched as Roger brought in guest critics and then finally picked Richard Roeper. At The Movies with Ebert & Roeper aired in my area at 1 AM Monday mornings. I continuously showed up to school tired the beginning of each week, staying up to get my Ebert fix.

Following the cancellation of At The Movies, I began to explore Ebert's written reviews more. That is where I found the man truly shined. While it was evident on Television, that is where I confirmed Ebert's incredible command of the English language. Through his text, I found not only how passionate about film the man was, but how incredibly well spoken. While I wouldn't always agree with his opinion on a specific film, I always knew reading a Roger Ebert review would be a treat. His ability to justify his opinion so eloquently was something that many modern "film reviewers" seemed to lack. That is why Roger became my favorite, my "go-to critic"

I am deeply saddened to learn of Mr. Ebert's passing today. Just 24 hours after the world learns that his cancer has returned, he's gone. Roger Ebert is a man who helped shape me as a person. He is who I credit as sparking this love for cinema that I have inside me. It is he, who inspired me to try to refine my writing, to learn ways to articulate my thoughts and opinions more clearly and efficiently. I can only hope that one day I can be as intelligent and and well spoken as him.

And, if I ever do have the pleasure of directing a film, I hope it is one that Roger would have liked.

My Adventures with SmartSource Web Support.

I have two addresses on my email account. One for my personal general emails, and one for my 'Deals' like Woot Daily emails and coupons, stuff like that. I did it to de-clutter my inbox. Unfortunately, some how both of my addresses ended up subscribed to Smartsource's coupon mailing list. This means that every time they mailed out coupon notices (and it happens on a regular basis) I get two, one in each folder.  I thought I would remedy this pretty easily, by clicking the 'unsubscribe' link at the bottom of their emails. One problem, every time I clicked it, in every browser I tried, I got this:

 

I had a bit of a dilemma. I can't just block the address for these emails, because then it will block both, not just the double. I still want to get the one on my 'deal' address. So I check their site.  It says, and I quote:

"It's easy to unsubscribe from our emails. There's always an "unsubscribe" link at the bottom of every email we send. Click that link and submit your request to be unsubscribed. Please allow up to five business days for your request to be processed and for your email address to be removed from future mailings.

If you've used the "unsubscribe" link at the bottom of our emails, but you're still getting emails from us, please submit your details on this form so we can give it immediate attention."

Submit I did. What follows is my complete (minus some personal info) email communications with Smartsource's support. My attempt to get "immediate attention", spanning 4 days and 10 emails total (counting my emails to them and their replies). This is some of the most inept customer service I have seen. (I have added some commentary in blue)

New endevors.

UPDATE: I took the blog down  2 days later. I wasn't happy with the quality of the content. lol.

Today I started up a new blog, The Huffingpaint Post.

It's my take on an Onion type of site. I'm going to have some parody articles on News, Politics, Pop Culture and other topics. I'm also going to dump some other humor articles, including just some batshit insane ideas I have.

One thing to note, is I just found out that "Huffing Paint Post" is a nickname that conservatives like to give to The Huffington Post. It should be noted that I wasn't  aware of this going in, my blog is not targeting The Huffington Post directly or anything (I actually don't mind them). It's mocking all news media: liberal and conservative. I just picked their name to parody, because frankly, it's incredibly easy to parody (The name literally took me 15 seconds to think up).

I can't come up with a witty title for this.

I want to open with sending out my condolences to any people affected by the horrific shooting that happened at the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, CO.

 ---

I have always been a film nerd. Among some of my earliest memories is when I saw Lethal Weapon 3 in the theater with my parents. I have been a movie goer my whole life. Some times the only time I truly feel happy is at the cinema, experiencing a new film.

This morning I turned on the news, and what I saw has shaken me very deeply. A bunch of fans, extremely excited for the next highly anticipated summer blockbuster, were opened fire on unexpectedly by some lunatic. Lives cut short or completely changed, at a moment when they were happy and just expecting to watch a movie.

I have been to several midnight showings. I have mingled with the folks dressed in costume, discussed my fandom with them. I have sat in the dark theaters, packed with fans who cheer through the whole film. I have been in these situations, which are identical to what was going on in Aurora 5 minutes before the shooter opened fire. It could have happened anywhere, it could have happened to me. It could have happened to anyone.

People go to theaters to be entertained. They go for thrills, excitement, laughs, or many other emotions that the magic of film can produce. Most importantly, people go to have fun. This madman in a gas mask has ruined that. Not only has he so viciously hurt/killed people in that theater, he had changed the climate of going to a movie. Now people will not be able to go to a theater without the thought in the back of their head that this could happen to them.

I know the man that did it was apprehended. He will be brought to justice. All I wish is that the media would stop talking about him. Focus on the victims instead and provide a loving memorial/tribute to them. Just don't give this scumbag any more attention. He wanted to make a mark on history and you are letting him. I know that this film will forever be tainted by him and this horrific event, so stop giving him what he wants.

 I know this thing is rambly and shit. I don't care. I have a lot going through my head. I hate that its getting to the point where people can't go anywhere without being afraid of being shot now. I mean, a movie theater? Fuck.

Wise words indeed...

A candy-colored clown they call the sandman. Tiptoes to my room every night.

Time to get all personal and bare my soul to the world for a bit. I've needed something to write on here, and I'm having a shit day at work, so I might as well post something while I'm waiting for someone to answer my email. If you don't want to read someone just getting shit off their chest, then move along to the next post.

I had a dream last night...

Walking around on broken leg.

I realize my last post was very fragmented with lots of really short sentences. I was sitting at the hospital bored out of my mind at the time, trying to write the post on the Blogpress app on my ipod.

Anyway, the day my dad had that prep surgery, the doctors told him that they would have him out by 11am the following day. He actually got out of there at 6pm. We hurried to the hospital for 11, and ended up sitting there for 7 hours. It was so boring. I also hate hospitals, so that whole time was hell for me.

Since we got home, my dad has been doing well, he's able to get around the house on one foot much better than I expected. He's pretty positive about the whole thing, although he is weary of how long the whole process is going to take. He has to have this contraption anchored into his leg for 2-3 weeks. After that they will take it off and put a steel plate and screws in his ankle and then put a cast over it. Then he has another 8-10 weeks to recover.

It's going to be a little rough, but he seems like he is determined to not let any of this get him down.

I'll be back later with a post on my new car I bought a week ago.