I'm writing.

Well, I'm writing something.

It's not pretty. It's dark, personal and depressing. I'll probably post it up here in chunks. Maybe not. I dunno.

Really, it's just me letting out everything. All the stuff I hate about myself. Every step I have made in my life which has been wrong. How I am a complete failure.

I probably shouldn't post it I guess.

Nevermind. Forget about it.

I'm so confused, am I a normal person?

So, I guess it's time to try to get back to some sense of normalcy.

Last time I had a bad downswing I posted a shit load of depressed posts and deleted the fuck out of them when I felt better (Well, it appears I deleted them, they are still here but hidden.). I don't think I'm going to do it this time.

I like to keep it as a reminder. This way I can look back and say "James, don't let that happen again." So I will. Here they will remain, showing the vulnerability that I am shocked I revealed on the internet. It will also motivate me to write more blog posts. If I want to get these off the front page of the blog and tucked away, I'll need to create some more content to push them down.

I like writing. I don't do it enough. This should help.

I completely feel like shit now.

Last night, as part of my complete breakdown, I sent a cryptic "I'm Sorry" tweet to one of my friends on twitter. This guy is like an internet brother almost, we talk daily and shit. And I just did that, then left him hanging for an hour, even after he asked if I was alright.

I told myself I would never do that. No matter how bad my issues got, I wouldn't make them someone else's issues. This guy has never met me. We talk constantly, but in real world terms, I'm probably a nobody to him. And here, at 3 AM his time, I DM him and throw all this shit onto him.

He was understandably confused, and I'm sure shaken up by it. I mean, to have someone you don't know very well just be like "Hey, killing myself now" (in not such blunt language) must be a horrible thing. I really care about him, he's essentially the only friend I have left in my life. I can't believe I did that shit to him. He didn't ask for that, he didn't deserve that.

I have no idea why I did it. Maybe it was me attempting to cry for help, reaching out to one of the few people I thought I could go to? Maybe I just needed to get it out and tell someone? All I know is it was a horrible thing to do and I shouldn't have. I just wasn't thinking clearly at the time. That isn't a good excuse though.

I haven't heard from him since, and I really hope I didn't ruin one of the good only things I had left in my life.

I'm sorry Matt.

Back again.

I need to stop posting only under these circumstances.

Last night I pretty much reached my breaking point. I was ready to do it. I'm not completely sure why I didn't kill myself, but I ended up curled up on my floor sobbing, with a couple hesitation marks left on my wrist as the only evidence that it had occured.

Now I sort of wish I had just gotten it over with. I know I'll be back at that point again soon enough, I could have just saved time and pain and taken care of it then. I already feel dead inside, might as well just be dead.

I just have so much hatred for myself inside. I'm a nobody. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being whose only purpose in life is to be a cog in the machine that is society and be miserable every single day.

I'm a failure. Even when it comes to killing myself, apparently.

The Balcony is Closed.

I have a pretty awful memory. There are large patches of my life that are hazy for some reason. There is one thing that is very clear to me, though. Me, as a young child, sitting on my grandparent's floor in front of the TV watching Siskel & Ebert on the weekends.

I discovered Siskel & Ebert at a very young age. At the time it was most likely their banter and heated discussions on movies that drew me to them.  That isn't what kept me tuned in though. Their critical assessments on film transformed me. Until that point, movies had just been flashy imagery and noise that I watched to pass the time. It was solely to entertain me. It was Siskel & Ebert that showed me that movies could be more. That they could provoke critical thinking from me, or even move me.

I continued to follow them through to the tragic passing of Gene Siskel in 1999. I was a freshman in high school at that time, just starting to think about what I wanted to do with my life. There was the sensible approach that I was likely to follow, but there was a seed planted in the back of my head by these two men, one that continues there to this day and I hope to eventually accomplish, to be a film director. I watched as Roger brought in guest critics and then finally picked Richard Roeper. At The Movies with Ebert & Roeper aired in my area at 1 AM Monday mornings. I continuously showed up to school tired the beginning of each week, staying up to get my Ebert fix.

Following the cancellation of At The Movies, I began to explore Ebert's written reviews more. That is where I found the man truly shined. While it was evident on Television, that is where I confirmed Ebert's incredible command of the English language. Through his text, I found not only how passionate about film the man was, but how incredibly well spoken. While I wouldn't always agree with his opinion on a specific film, I always knew reading a Roger Ebert review would be a treat. His ability to justify his opinion so eloquently was something that many modern "film reviewers" seemed to lack. That is why Roger became my favorite, my "go-to critic"

I am deeply saddened to learn of Mr. Ebert's passing today. Just 24 hours after the world learns that his cancer has returned, he's gone. Roger Ebert is a man who helped shape me as a person. He is who I credit as sparking this love for cinema that I have inside me. It is he, who inspired me to try to refine my writing, to learn ways to articulate my thoughts and opinions more clearly and efficiently. I can only hope that one day I can be as intelligent and and well spoken as him.

And, if I ever do have the pleasure of directing a film, I hope it is one that Roger would have liked.

My Adventures with SmartSource Web Support.

I have two addresses on my email account. One for my personal general emails, and one for my 'Deals' like Woot Daily emails and coupons, stuff like that. I did it to de-clutter my inbox. Unfortunately, some how both of my addresses ended up subscribed to Smartsource's coupon mailing list. This means that every time they mailed out coupon notices (and it happens on a regular basis) I get two, one in each folder.  I thought I would remedy this pretty easily, by clicking the 'unsubscribe' link at the bottom of their emails. One problem, every time I clicked it, in every browser I tried, I got this:

 

I had a bit of a dilemma. I can't just block the address for these emails, because then it will block both, not just the double. I still want to get the one on my 'deal' address. So I check their site.  It says, and I quote:

"It's easy to unsubscribe from our emails. There's always an "unsubscribe" link at the bottom of every email we send. Click that link and submit your request to be unsubscribed. Please allow up to five business days for your request to be processed and for your email address to be removed from future mailings.

If you've used the "unsubscribe" link at the bottom of our emails, but you're still getting emails from us, please submit your details on this form so we can give it immediate attention."

Submit I did. What follows is my complete (minus some personal info) email communications with Smartsource's support. My attempt to get "immediate attention", spanning 4 days and 10 emails total (counting my emails to them and their replies). This is some of the most inept customer service I have seen. (I have added some commentary in blue)

New endevors.

UPDATE: I took the blog down  2 days later. I wasn't happy with the quality of the content. lol.

Today I started up a new blog, The Huffingpaint Post.

It's my take on an Onion type of site. I'm going to have some parody articles on News, Politics, Pop Culture and other topics. I'm also going to dump some other humor articles, including just some batshit insane ideas I have.

One thing to note, is I just found out that "Huffing Paint Post" is a nickname that conservatives like to give to The Huffington Post. It should be noted that I wasn't  aware of this going in, my blog is not targeting The Huffington Post directly or anything (I actually don't mind them). It's mocking all news media: liberal and conservative. I just picked their name to parody, because frankly, it's incredibly easy to parody (The name literally took me 15 seconds to think up).