Changed Blog colors

Since I've started this blog, it's been black & red themed.

For a long time, that was my favorite color combination. It isn't any more. I figured I'd liven this up a bit, make it less dark and depressing (well, less dark anyway).

Destroying my E-Reputation

Well, here is what I wrote last night.

I have no idea why I'm posting it. It pulls back the curtain on who I am and hopefully gives a bit of context and insight into me. On the other hand, it shows how pathetic I really am. Posting this, if it got out on some of the sites I visit, is basically internet suicide.

This is slightly fictional, only in what I wrote took place over a couple days and I consolidated it all into one. It is pretty much a sum up of a day in the life of me.

I apologize that the writing isn't my best. It starts out much stronger than it finishes. There are two reasons for that 1) I haven't written anything really in years, so I'm a little rusty 2) The more personal and depressing the subject got, I was less in the mood for flowery prose. This was pretty much just a free flowing writing exercise. Putting everything that came to mind down on paper.

So continue on if you want. Just be ready to be depressed.

I'm writing.

Well, I'm writing something.

It's not pretty. It's dark, personal and depressing. I'll probably post it up here in chunks. Maybe not. I dunno.

Really, it's just me letting out everything. All the stuff I hate about myself. Every step I have made in my life which has been wrong. How I am a complete failure.

I probably shouldn't post it I guess.

Nevermind. Forget about it.

I'm so confused, am I a normal person?

So, I guess it's time to try to get back to some sense of normalcy.

Last time I had a bad downswing I posted a shit load of depressed posts and deleted the fuck out of them when I felt better (Well, it appears I deleted them, they are still here but hidden.). I don't think I'm going to do it this time.

I like to keep it as a reminder. This way I can look back and say "James, don't let that happen again." So I will. Here they will remain, showing the vulnerability that I am shocked I revealed on the internet. It will also motivate me to write more blog posts. If I want to get these off the front page of the blog and tucked away, I'll need to create some more content to push them down.

I like writing. I don't do it enough. This should help.

I completely feel like shit now.

Last night, as part of my complete breakdown, I sent a cryptic "I'm Sorry" tweet to one of my friends on twitter. This guy is like an internet brother almost, we talk daily and shit. And I just did that, then left him hanging for an hour, even after he asked if I was alright.

I told myself I would never do that. No matter how bad my issues got, I wouldn't make them someone else's issues. This guy has never met me. We talk constantly, but in real world terms, I'm probably a nobody to him. And here, at 3 AM his time, I DM him and throw all this shit onto him.

He was understandably confused, and I'm sure shaken up by it. I mean, to have someone you don't know very well just be like "Hey, killing myself now" (in not such blunt language) must be a horrible thing. I really care about him, he's essentially the only friend I have left in my life. I can't believe I did that shit to him. He didn't ask for that, he didn't deserve that.

I have no idea why I did it. Maybe it was me attempting to cry for help, reaching out to one of the few people I thought I could go to? Maybe I just needed to get it out and tell someone? All I know is it was a horrible thing to do and I shouldn't have. I just wasn't thinking clearly at the time. That isn't a good excuse though.

I haven't heard from him since, and I really hope I didn't ruin one of the good only things I had left in my life.

I'm sorry Matt.

Back again.

I need to stop posting only under these circumstances.

Last night I pretty much reached my breaking point. I was ready to do it. I'm not completely sure why I didn't kill myself, but I ended up curled up on my floor sobbing, with a couple hesitation marks left on my wrist as the only evidence that it had occured.

Now I sort of wish I had just gotten it over with. I know I'll be back at that point again soon enough, I could have just saved time and pain and taken care of it then. I already feel dead inside, might as well just be dead.

I just have so much hatred for myself inside. I'm a nobody. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being whose only purpose in life is to be a cog in the machine that is society and be miserable every single day.

I'm a failure. Even when it comes to killing myself, apparently.

The Balcony is Closed.

I have a pretty awful memory. There are large patches of my life that are hazy for some reason. There is one thing that is very clear to me, though. Me, as a young child, sitting on my grandparent's floor in front of the TV watching Siskel & Ebert on the weekends.

I discovered Siskel & Ebert at a very young age. At the time it was most likely their banter and heated discussions on movies that drew me to them.  That isn't what kept me tuned in though. Their critical assessments on film transformed me. Until that point, movies had just been flashy imagery and noise that I watched to pass the time. It was solely to entertain me. It was Siskel & Ebert that showed me that movies could be more. That they could provoke critical thinking from me, or even move me.

I continued to follow them through to the tragic passing of Gene Siskel in 1999. I was a freshman in high school at that time, just starting to think about what I wanted to do with my life. There was the sensible approach that I was likely to follow, but there was a seed planted in the back of my head by these two men, one that continues there to this day and I hope to eventually accomplish, to be a film director. I watched as Roger brought in guest critics and then finally picked Richard Roeper. At The Movies with Ebert & Roeper aired in my area at 1 AM Monday mornings. I continuously showed up to school tired the beginning of each week, staying up to get my Ebert fix.

Following the cancellation of At The Movies, I began to explore Ebert's written reviews more. That is where I found the man truly shined. While it was evident on Television, that is where I confirmed Ebert's incredible command of the English language. Through his text, I found not only how passionate about film the man was, but how incredibly well spoken. While I wouldn't always agree with his opinion on a specific film, I always knew reading a Roger Ebert review would be a treat. His ability to justify his opinion so eloquently was something that many modern "film reviewers" seemed to lack. That is why Roger became my favorite, my "go-to critic"

I am deeply saddened to learn of Mr. Ebert's passing today. Just 24 hours after the world learns that his cancer has returned, he's gone. Roger Ebert is a man who helped shape me as a person. He is who I credit as sparking this love for cinema that I have inside me. It is he, who inspired me to try to refine my writing, to learn ways to articulate my thoughts and opinions more clearly and efficiently. I can only hope that one day I can be as intelligent and and well spoken as him.

And, if I ever do have the pleasure of directing a film, I hope it is one that Roger would have liked.