Tag Team, back again!

Well, it's been a while.

Life has been a little interesting these last four months (I guess. This is my life we're talking about, nothing about it is really that interesting).

I got a new job! I've been here about 2 months now. I really like it. Much more relaxed than the last place. They don't treat me like shit like my last bosses did either. I also don't have to put in 3-5 extra hours each day to keep things running, which I don't get paid for because it was "unapproved overtime" I come in, work my shift and go home. People help me if I need help. We all work together. Basically, this business is actually run like a business, unlike my last place of employment.

Still depressed. I haven't gotten to the point of even flirting with killing myself though. The thought still enters my mind from time to time, but nothing where I'm actually grabbing a knife or anything.  Worst thing I've done is just lie in bed all day staring at the wall. If what I was dealing with before was Depression, with a capital D, then this is just diet Depression. It's the refreshing, no calorie alternative. I'll gladly take that instead.

I have to get back to writting whitty blog post titles.

I feel like I'm making some headway with my depression. Well, a little

Today is an exceptionally bad day. Probably the worst I've had in a while. No 'getting a knife and sitting around staring at my wrist' like my worst days, but it's pretty bad.

HOWEVER, I've got most of it internalized and I'm functioning pretty much like a normal person. No one would be able to tell, looking at me, that I am just sort of numb to everything and constantly thinking about death. So, at least I've got it under control that much.

I guess that's progress, right?

Changed Blog colors

Since I've started this blog, it's been black & red themed.

For a long time, that was my favorite color combination. It isn't any more. I figured I'd liven this up a bit, make it less dark and depressing (well, less dark anyway).

Destroying my E-Reputation

Well, here is what I wrote last night.

I have no idea why I'm posting it. It pulls back the curtain on who I am and hopefully gives a bit of context and insight into me. On the other hand, it shows how pathetic I really am. Posting this, if it got out on some of the sites I visit, is basically internet suicide.

This is slightly fictional, only in what I wrote took place over a couple days and I consolidated it all into one. It is pretty much a sum up of a day in the life of me.

I apologize that the writing isn't my best. It starts out much stronger than it finishes. There are two reasons for that 1) I haven't written anything really in years, so I'm a little rusty 2) The more personal and depressing the subject got, I was less in the mood for flowery prose. This was pretty much just a free flowing writing exercise. Putting everything that came to mind down on paper.

So continue on if you want. Just be ready to be depressed.

I'm writing.

Well, I'm writing something.

It's not pretty. It's dark, personal and depressing. I'll probably post it up here in chunks. Maybe not. I dunno.

Really, it's just me letting out everything. All the stuff I hate about myself. Every step I have made in my life which has been wrong. How I am a complete failure.

I probably shouldn't post it I guess.

Nevermind. Forget about it.

I'm so confused, am I a normal person?

So, I guess it's time to try to get back to some sense of normalcy.

Last time I had a bad downswing I posted a shit load of depressed posts and deleted the fuck out of them when I felt better (Well, it appears I deleted them, they are still here but hidden.). I don't think I'm going to do it this time.

I like to keep it as a reminder. This way I can look back and say "James, don't let that happen again." So I will. Here they will remain, showing the vulnerability that I am shocked I revealed on the internet. It will also motivate me to write more blog posts. If I want to get these off the front page of the blog and tucked away, I'll need to create some more content to push them down.

I like writing. I don't do it enough. This should help.

I completely feel like shit now.

Last night, as part of my complete breakdown, I sent a cryptic "I'm Sorry" tweet to one of my friends on twitter. This guy is like an internet brother almost, we talk daily and shit. And I just did that, then left him hanging for an hour, even after he asked if I was alright.

I told myself I would never do that. No matter how bad my issues got, I wouldn't make them someone else's issues. This guy has never met me. We talk constantly, but in real world terms, I'm probably a nobody to him. And here, at 3 AM his time, I DM him and throw all this shit onto him.

He was understandably confused, and I'm sure shaken up by it. I mean, to have someone you don't know very well just be like "Hey, killing myself now" (in not such blunt language) must be a horrible thing. I really care about him, he's essentially the only friend I have left in my life. I can't believe I did that shit to him. He didn't ask for that, he didn't deserve that.

I have no idea why I did it. Maybe it was me attempting to cry for help, reaching out to one of the few people I thought I could go to? Maybe I just needed to get it out and tell someone? All I know is it was a horrible thing to do and I shouldn't have. I just wasn't thinking clearly at the time. That isn't a good excuse though.

I haven't heard from him since, and I really hope I didn't ruin one of the good only things I had left in my life.

I'm sorry Matt.