Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops... Forever you will, forever you will learn

Wow, cryptic title. Sorry about that. My chubby, not too attractive redhead girlfriend broke up with me(That sentence may not be true. LOL Spoony)

Yeah, I'm in a bit of an emo mode today...again, I apologize for that. This last week has been hell and I am running on about 8 hours of sleep for the whole week.

It seems like I'm developing insomnia. It's not surprising though. I put in a lot of hours at my job, so much so that it seems like all I do is eat, sleep and work. So of course I try to stay up as late as possible, I need some me time somewhere. Of Course, that has come back to bite me in the ass lately.

You see, I am also the on-call person for every weeknight and every other weekend. The last week or so, I swear I have been called out for something at 6AM almost every night. That coupled with me just having been able for finally fall asleep at 4AM causes a bunch of shit for me. You see, after the 6AM call out, It takes another 2 hrs for me to fall asleep again, and then I have to get up for work an hour after that. The worst was Tuesday, when I got called at 7AM and I had to go in for opening and work a 12hr day until closing. Thank god for my stockpile of 5 Hour Energy.

Work itself is getting really crazy. The stuff that goes on in this office, and ends up on my desk are things well above my pay grade. I'm paid a low level position wage (which is what my position actually is) and I'm doing work that at most places, supervisors are doing. I'm acting as what would be 3 different departments somewhere else. I feel handcuffed to this job though. With the Economy how it is, I just can't find anything else right now. It's gotten to the point where I just goof around for part of the second half of my shift (when I'm alone) and take my time doing my work. I may end up being in the office longer after hours, but at least I'm a little happier that way.

Aside from work...life is un-fulfilling. I'm 25 and still living with my parents. I don't have a girlfriend. I'm fat. I just feel pathetic. I know my life isn't really that bad. The people in Japan right now after the earthquake/tsunami, they have it bad. It's perspective though. To me, in the situation I'm in right now, it seems like my life is just shitty as hell. Don't worry, I'm not thinking about doing anything terrible to myself. I would never do that. That's just stupid. I'm a ballanced enough individual to know that life can get better than what I'm feeling now.

Last night though, was sort of an eye opening night. It was the first night I felt, and came to terms with, that I was depressed. No, I've been sad before...I mean like clinically depressed. The work load was crazy. Stuff just kept pouring in, I had about 3 hrs of work left and about an hour left in my shift. It just sort of hit me. I didn't feel sad...I just felt nothing. My chest hurt, I suddenly lost all motivation to do anything. I just sat in my chair staring out the window for almost a half an hour, thinking about how mundane, redundant and all around unhappy my life has gotten. I'm not sure how I snapped out of it, but I did and ended up finishing the night all right.

That shit was freaky though. I went home, threw on one of my favorite movies (A Clockwork Orange) and had a much more enjoyable night. I'm happy it's friday. This is one of the weekends I'm not on call. I need this so bad.

Damn this post was fucking depressing.