I'm so confused, am I a normal person?

So, I guess it's time to try to get back to some sense of normalcy.

Last time I had a bad downswing I posted a shit load of depressed posts and deleted the fuck out of them when I felt better (Well, it appears I deleted them, they are still here but hidden.). I don't think I'm going to do it this time.

I like to keep it as a reminder. This way I can look back and say "James, don't let that happen again." So I will. Here they will remain, showing the vulnerability that I am shocked I revealed on the internet. It will also motivate me to write more blog posts. If I want to get these off the front page of the blog and tucked away, I'll need to create some more content to push them down.

I like writing. I don't do it enough. This should help.

I completely feel like shit now.

Last night, as part of my complete breakdown, I sent a cryptic "I'm Sorry" tweet to one of my friends on twitter. This guy is like an internet brother almost, we talk daily and shit. And I just did that, then left him hanging for an hour, even after he asked if I was alright.

I told myself I would never do that. No matter how bad my issues got, I wouldn't make them someone else's issues. This guy has never met me. We talk constantly, but in real world terms, I'm probably a nobody to him. And here, at 3 AM his time, I DM him and throw all this shit onto him.

He was understandably confused, and I'm sure shaken up by it. I mean, to have someone you don't know very well just be like "Hey, killing myself now" (in not such blunt language) must be a horrible thing. I really care about him, he's essentially the only friend I have left in my life. I can't believe I did that shit to him. He didn't ask for that, he didn't deserve that.

I have no idea why I did it. Maybe it was me attempting to cry for help, reaching out to one of the few people I thought I could go to? Maybe I just needed to get it out and tell someone? All I know is it was a horrible thing to do and I shouldn't have. I just wasn't thinking clearly at the time. That isn't a good excuse though.

I haven't heard from him since, and I really hope I didn't ruin one of the good only things I had left in my life.

I'm sorry Matt.

Back again.

I need to stop posting only under these circumstances.

Last night I pretty much reached my breaking point. I was ready to do it. I'm not completely sure why I didn't kill myself, but I ended up curled up on my floor sobbing, with a couple hesitation marks left on my wrist as the only evidence that it had occured.

Now I sort of wish I had just gotten it over with. I know I'll be back at that point again soon enough, I could have just saved time and pain and taken care of it then. I already feel dead inside, might as well just be dead.

I just have so much hatred for myself inside. I'm a nobody. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being whose only purpose in life is to be a cog in the machine that is society and be miserable every single day.

I'm a failure. Even when it comes to killing myself, apparently.