No one wants to die alone, broken and insane.

Well.

Excuse me if this is rambling and somewhat incoherent...I've been drinking. I'm not drunk, but I might be a little off my game. I apologize.

So, another birthday as come and gone. I'm 29 now.  29 years on this earth. Jesus, it feels like yesterday was when I was 18, fresh faced and eager to take on the world. Has it really been 11 years already? 11 years since I ended up squandering my potential?  I guess so.

As each day has passed since I turned 29, I've sort of just slipped more and more into apathetic-ness. I'm slowly just shutting down and feeling less and less. Sun comes up, sun does down. One day closer to death.   One year closer to being that fat, 30 year old basement dwelling (metaphorically, we don't have a basement) friendless, kiss-less, relationship-less recluse virgin that I swore I would never let myself become.  That person who I would laugh at when I saw them somewhere.  The one I was slowly becoming right in front of my eyes, too blind to actually see it happening until it was here.

What really sparked me writing this today, was I was watching some videos on youtube, when I came across a creative wedding proposal video. It was a man proposing to his girlfriend in a photo booth.

While I was watching it, I broke down and started crying. Yeah, it's a heartwarming video, but it wasn't so much that that part of it was moving me. I was picturing myself in that situation. Happy. No longer alone.  Then I thought about how I will never experience that. I will never have someone.  That's when I started to cry.

In conclusion, (Ugh, I hate starting conclusions like this, but I can't think of anything else right now) I'm making do. I've been trying to think a lot about, and come to terms with, many things in my life. I have a really shitty hand here, but I dealt it. It's all my fault, I fucked it all up, and I have no idea how to fix it. I have flirted with one way to escape all this, and taking that action next year on my 30th birthday.
Most of my suicidal talk has been just that, talk. I always end up not going through with it. This time though? I'm not completely sure yet.  I guess we'll see how things are going in 355 days.

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The Appendices  (Who the fuck do I think I am, Tolkien?)

I
Why do I feel like I'll always be alone?
Because I have been so far. I don't see any reason why that should change. No one has ever been interested in me. I can't say I blame them though, I know I'm not really much of a catch (especially the last couple years, when this depression popped up).  The problem is that I've now gotten to a point where I feel no one will want me. I'm damaged goods. I'm pushing thirty and I don't even know how to fucking kiss, because I never have.
I mean, think about that for a minute. Who the fuck wants to be with someone who is nearing 30 and is so damn inexperienced. I have no idea how to work to maintain a relationship, because I've never had one. I'd probably be a terrible fuck, because I'd have no idea what I'm doing. There is just so much wrong with me at this point. And now I've grown into this huge fucking ball of depression & anxiety that no one would ever want in their life. I'm toxic.

Two 
Are you really thinking about killing yourself? Why would you every do that?
Yes. Truth is, though, I probably won't actually do it. I'm too much of a chickenshit coward to do it.
One thing I feel I need to always make clear since that Roger fuck did his shit, and my situation sounds similar to his...I don't want to hurt anyone. He was an egomaniac psycho who thought the world owed him a girlfriend.
I am a self esteem lacking self loather. The world doesn't owe me shit. I needed to get out there and try to meet someone, make a connection. I fucked that up. I am the only one to blame, no one else. That's why the only person I want to hurt is myself.

3
Untitled.
I did meet a girl recently...one I work with.  I tried to be nice, but my anxiety and social awkwardness got the worst of me and I barely spoke a word to her. I would honestly sit at my desk, every possible negative scenario of what could happen if I tried talking to her floating through my head.  My heart racing just at the thought of trying to make small talk with her. In the end, all I could do was give her a few sheepish "Hello"s and "Good Night"s at the start and end of my shift.
I like her, she's nice...She's also completely not interested, and (not surprisingly) is in a committed relationship. So I just went back and crossed her off the "Possibly available?" list I had in my head (of which she was the only person currently on said list) and just went back about my business.

But of course, I had mentioned to my mom that there was a girl my age at the office, and she told my fucking grandparents.  At Christmas dinner, my Grandfather turned into a goddamned interrogator. "Hey, that girl you work with, is she pretty? Is she your age? Is she married? No...Is she single?" Just on and on. (the line of questioning was much longer than that too.) I fucking walked away.
Then later his sister (my great-aunt) showed up and she started in "Where's your girlfriend?" and laid into me for a long time about it. I just sulked for the rest of the night.
NOTE: People, if you know any forever alones who are really depressed about being alone, don't do that bullshit to them.

Enough rambling.

FIN

Tag Team, back again!

Well, it's been a while.

Life has been a little interesting these last four months (I guess. This is my life we're talking about, nothing about it is really that interesting).

I got a new job! I've been here about 2 months now. I really like it. Much more relaxed than the last place. They don't treat me like shit like my last bosses did either. I also don't have to put in 3-5 extra hours each day to keep things running, which I don't get paid for because it was "unapproved overtime" I come in, work my shift and go home. People help me if I need help. We all work together. Basically, this business is actually run like a business, unlike my last place of employment.

Still depressed. I haven't gotten to the point of even flirting with killing myself though. The thought still enters my mind from time to time, but nothing where I'm actually grabbing a knife or anything.  Worst thing I've done is just lie in bed all day staring at the wall. If what I was dealing with before was Depression, with a capital D, then this is just diet Depression. It's the refreshing, no calorie alternative. I'll gladly take that instead.

I have to get back to writting whitty blog post titles.

I feel like I'm making some headway with my depression. Well, a little

Today is an exceptionally bad day. Probably the worst I've had in a while. No 'getting a knife and sitting around staring at my wrist' like my worst days, but it's pretty bad.

HOWEVER, I've got most of it internalized and I'm functioning pretty much like a normal person. No one would be able to tell, looking at me, that I am just sort of numb to everything and constantly thinking about death. So, at least I've got it under control that much.

I guess that's progress, right?

Changed Blog colors

Since I've started this blog, it's been black & red themed.

For a long time, that was my favorite color combination. It isn't any more. I figured I'd liven this up a bit, make it less dark and depressing (well, less dark anyway).

Destroying my E-Reputation

Well, here is what I wrote last night.

I have no idea why I'm posting it. It pulls back the curtain on who I am and hopefully gives a bit of context and insight into me. On the other hand, it shows how pathetic I really am. Posting this, if it got out on some of the sites I visit, is basically internet suicide.

This is slightly fictional, only in what I wrote took place over a couple days and I consolidated it all into one. It is pretty much a sum up of a day in the life of me.

I apologize that the writing isn't my best. It starts out much stronger than it finishes. There are two reasons for that 1) I haven't written anything really in years, so I'm a little rusty 2) The more personal and depressing the subject got, I was less in the mood for flowery prose. This was pretty much just a free flowing writing exercise. Putting everything that came to mind down on paper.

So continue on if you want. Just be ready to be depressed.

I'm writing.

Well, I'm writing something.

It's not pretty. It's dark, personal and depressing. I'll probably post it up here in chunks. Maybe not. I dunno.

Really, it's just me letting out everything. All the stuff I hate about myself. Every step I have made in my life which has been wrong. How I am a complete failure.

I probably shouldn't post it I guess.

Nevermind. Forget about it.

I'm so confused, am I a normal person?

So, I guess it's time to try to get back to some sense of normalcy.

Last time I had a bad downswing I posted a shit load of depressed posts and deleted the fuck out of them when I felt better (Well, it appears I deleted them, they are still here but hidden.). I don't think I'm going to do it this time.

I like to keep it as a reminder. This way I can look back and say "James, don't let that happen again." So I will. Here they will remain, showing the vulnerability that I am shocked I revealed on the internet. It will also motivate me to write more blog posts. If I want to get these off the front page of the blog and tucked away, I'll need to create some more content to push them down.

I like writing. I don't do it enough. This should help.

I completely feel like shit now.

Last night, as part of my complete breakdown, I sent a cryptic "I'm Sorry" tweet to one of my friends on twitter. This guy is like an internet brother almost, we talk daily and shit. And I just did that, then left him hanging for an hour, even after he asked if I was alright.

I told myself I would never do that. No matter how bad my issues got, I wouldn't make them someone else's issues. This guy has never met me. We talk constantly, but in real world terms, I'm probably a nobody to him. And here, at 3 AM his time, I DM him and throw all this shit onto him.

He was understandably confused, and I'm sure shaken up by it. I mean, to have someone you don't know very well just be like "Hey, killing myself now" (in not such blunt language) must be a horrible thing. I really care about him, he's essentially the only friend I have left in my life. I can't believe I did that shit to him. He didn't ask for that, he didn't deserve that.

I have no idea why I did it. Maybe it was me attempting to cry for help, reaching out to one of the few people I thought I could go to? Maybe I just needed to get it out and tell someone? All I know is it was a horrible thing to do and I shouldn't have. I just wasn't thinking clearly at the time. That isn't a good excuse though.

I haven't heard from him since, and I really hope I didn't ruin one of the good only things I had left in my life.

I'm sorry Matt.

Back again.

I need to stop posting only under these circumstances.

Last night I pretty much reached my breaking point. I was ready to do it. I'm not completely sure why I didn't kill myself, but I ended up curled up on my floor sobbing, with a couple hesitation marks left on my wrist as the only evidence that it had occured.

Now I sort of wish I had just gotten it over with. I know I'll be back at that point again soon enough, I could have just saved time and pain and taken care of it then. I already feel dead inside, might as well just be dead.

I just have so much hatred for myself inside. I'm a nobody. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being whose only purpose in life is to be a cog in the machine that is society and be miserable every single day.

I'm a failure. Even when it comes to killing myself, apparently.