Excuse me if this is rambling and somewhat incoherent...I've been drinking. I'm not drunk, but I might be a little off my game. I apologize.
So, another birthday as come and gone. I'm 29 now. 29 years on this earth. Jesus, it feels like yesterday was when I was 18, fresh faced and eager to take on the world. Has it really been 11 years already? 11 years since I ended up squandering my potential? I guess so.
As each day has passed since I turned 29, I've sort of just slipped more and more into apathetic-ness. I'm slowly just shutting down and feeling less and less. Sun comes up, sun does down. One day closer to death. One year closer to being that fat, 30 year old basement dwelling (metaphorically, we don't have a basement) friendless, kiss-less, relationship-less recluse virgin that I swore I would never let myself become. That person who I would laugh at when I saw them somewhere. The one I was slowly becoming right in front of my eyes, too blind to actually see it happening until it was here.
What really sparked me writing this today, was I was watching some videos on youtube, when I came across a creative wedding proposal video. It was a man proposing to his girlfriend in a photo booth.
While I was watching it, I broke down and started crying. Yeah, it's a heartwarming video, but it wasn't so much that that part of it was moving me. I was picturing myself in that situation. Happy. No longer alone. Then I thought about how I will never experience that. I will never have someone. That's when I started to cry.
In conclusion, (Ugh, I hate starting conclusions like this, but I can't think of anything else right now) I'm making do. I've been trying to think a lot about, and come to terms with, many things in my life. I have a really shitty hand here, but I dealt it. It's all my fault, I fucked it all up, and I have no idea how to fix it. I have flirted with one way to escape all this, and taking that action next year on my 30th birthday.
Most of my suicidal talk has been just that, talk. I always end up not going through with it. This time though? I'm not completely sure yet. I guess we'll see how things are going in 355 days.
---
The Appendices (Who the fuck do I think I am, Tolkien?)
I
Why do I feel like I'll always be alone?
Because I have been so far. I don't see any reason why that should change. No one has ever been interested in me. I can't say I blame them though, I know I'm not really much of a catch (especially the last couple years, when this depression popped up). The problem is that I've now gotten to a point where I feel no one will want me. I'm damaged goods. I'm pushing thirty and I don't even know how to fucking kiss, because I never have.
I mean, think about that for a minute. Who the fuck wants to be with someone who is nearing 30 and is so damn inexperienced. I have no idea how to work to maintain a relationship, because I've never had one. I'd probably be a terrible fuck, because I'd have no idea what I'm doing. There is just so much wrong with me at this point. And now I've grown into this huge fucking ball of depression & anxiety that no one would ever want in their life. I'm toxic.
Two
Are you really thinking about killing yourself? Why would you every do that?
Yes. Truth is, though, I probably won't actually do it. I'm too much of a chickenshit coward to do it.
One thing I feel I need to always make clear since that Roger fuck did his shit, and my situation sounds similar to his...I don't want to hurt anyone. He was an egomaniac psycho who thought the world owed him a girlfriend.
I am a self esteem lacking self loather. The world doesn't owe me shit. I needed to get out there and try to meet someone, make a connection. I fucked that up. I am the only one to blame, no one else. That's why the only person I want to hurt is myself.
3
Untitled.
I did meet a girl recently...one I work with. I tried to be nice, but my anxiety and social awkwardness got the worst of me and I barely spoke a word to her. I would honestly sit at my desk, every possible negative scenario of what could happen if I tried talking to her floating through my head. My heart racing just at the thought of trying to make small talk with her. In the end, all I could do was give her a few sheepish "Hello"s and "Good Night"s at the start and end of my shift.
I like her, she's nice...She's also completely not interested, and (not surprisingly) is in a committed relationship. So I just went back and crossed her off the "Possibly available?" list I had in my head (of which she was the only person currently on said list) and just went back about my business.
But of course, I had mentioned to my mom that there was a girl my age at the office, and she told my fucking grandparents. At Christmas dinner, my Grandfather turned into a goddamned interrogator. "Hey, that girl you work with, is she pretty? Is she your age? Is she married? No...Is she single?" Just on and on. (the line of questioning was much longer than that too.) I fucking walked away.
Then later his sister (my great-aunt) showed up and she started in "Where's your girlfriend?" and laid into me for a long time about it. I just sulked for the rest of the night.
NOTE: People, if you know any forever alones who are really depressed about being alone, don't do that bullshit to them.
Enough rambling.
FIN
No comments:
Post a Comment