Life has been a little interesting these last four months (I guess. This is my life we're talking about, nothing about it is really that interesting).
I got a new job! I've been here about 2 months now. I really like it. Much more relaxed than the last place. They don't treat me like shit like my last bosses did either. I also don't have to put in 3-5 extra hours each day to keep things running, which I don't get paid for because it was "unapproved overtime" I come in, work my shift and go home. People help me if I need help. We all work together. Basically, this business is actually run like a business, unlike my last place of employment.
Still depressed. I haven't gotten to the point of even flirting with killing myself though. The thought still enters my mind from time to time, but nothing where I'm actually grabbing a knife or anything. Worst thing I've done is just lie in bed all day staring at the wall. If what I was dealing with before was Depression, with a capital D, then this is just diet Depression. It's the refreshing, no calorie alternative. I'll gladly take that instead.
I had created a five step process that I thought would lift me out of depression. It addresses where a lot of my sadness comes from, but not all of it.
2. Move into my own place
3. Get in shape
4. Try to make some friends
5. Try to get a girlfriend
And since then, I have done some stuff to make my goal easier to reach...
I should be moving out this fall/winter if everything goes to plan. So that one is almost crossed off.
Getting in shape should be one of the easier things on my list. I already don't eat a lot, so if just start exercising more, it should fall into place. I'm already working on this one. I am sort of terrified of weight loss leaving a bunch of loose skin or causing my pectus carinatum to be dramatically more noticeable. That's me though...constantly worrying about stuff.
As for friends...I have no idea. I don't have any friends anymore, save for the couple on the internet. I have no idea how to meet new people either. I have virtually no social skills at this point, and my anxiety issues pretty much prevent me from talking to new people. Hell, I can't even talk to my coworkers. Most of what I say are 1 word answers to questions they ask. I may have said a total of 3 sentences to them last week. I need to find a way to get friends though. It's one of the most important things on my list.
Girlfriend...Oh god. Take everything I said in the friend section and multiply it by 100.
I think the fact I'm a little over a year from 30 and have never asked a girl out speaks for itself.
There's a girl I work with now...she's so damn cute, and incredibly nice. Yeah, I like her. I can't even bring myself to talk to her. I mean, I literally do talk to her, but it's all just "Hi" "Yeah" "No", etc. I've never really had a conversation with her.
My dad even said "Hey, you mentioned you worked with a girl...you should ask her out." I just shrugged. At this point I'm sure my parents assume I'm gay or there's something wrong with me...but I guess there is something wrong with me, heh.
I'm just terrified of asking a girl out. I'm not sure why. I guess part of it comes back to my self image issues. I can't see any reason why a girl would have any interest in me. Hell, I can't find anything I like about myself, how could they? So I just avoid even trying, because I've convinced myself that it will end in rejection. Why bother?
That's why step 5 is being removed from my list. I've sort of come to terms with the fact I'll be forever alone. Accepting it hurts, but it doesn't hurt as much as desperately wanting to be with someone and torturing myself with all this self sabotage. I just won't even think of trying to find someone at this point.
It might be better to be alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment