A candy-colored clown they call the sandman. Tiptoes to my room every night.

Time to get all personal and bare my soul to the world for a bit. I've needed something to write on here, and I'm having a shit day at work, so I might as well post something while I'm waiting for someone to answer my email. If you don't want to read someone just getting shit off their chest, then move along to the next post.

I had a dream last night...

A girl I knew in high school. A girl I thought I was madly in love with in high school...randomly popped up in my dream.

Some back story.

There was a girl I had a crush on in high school. It was no secret. Everyone could tell I was lusting over the girl big time. So could she. We became friends, we'd hang out all the time, flirt with each other. I now know looking back that she had her mind made up from the start, she had no interest in me. I was young and stupid though, and I kept treating her like she was the most special thing in the world.

She was one of these girls that everyone had interest in. She liked that. She would flirt and give hope to every boy she could that they had some kind of shot with her, that she liked them in return. You see, she liked to use guys and she craved the attention. I remember on a school trip, she'd bounce between guys, trying to juggle them independently, so she could keep the whole thing going. And what do you know, these guys bought her things and did things for her, thinking that some how she would return the favor some day, that the whole thing would turn into a relationship.

As I said, I was young and stupid. I like to think of myself as an intelligent person. The thing is, I do have a touch of social akwardness. I am quite a 'book-smart' person, but I can be lacking in 'street-smarts' on occasion. This being said, she grew tired of me after a while. Most likely because I didn't fall into as big of a trap as the other guys. I don't just bend over backwards for someone who doesn't reciprocate the feelings for me that I feel for them.  I sort of put her on the spot and she danced around it. That was when it should have dawned on me, but I couldn't shake the feelings for her.

I remember the day I finally got up the courage to talk to her about how I felt. I approached her in class, told her I wanted to talk. She cut me off and said she had something more important. She desperately wanted me to introduce her to another guy I talked to on occasion in class. She wanted him.  I retreated back in my mind. I declined the offer, I told her I barely knew the guy.

Over the course of the next few months, she told me the intimate details of her relationship with him. She told me about the first time they fucked, how he took her virginity. I just sat there and listened, knowing that she knew how I felt about her. Knowing that she was basically rubbing my nose in it. I started to grow to resent her. Her friends started to mock me. One came up to me once and laughed at me saying "You love her, don't you? You can't have her." After that she started to tell me I wasn't her type and that she didn't really care for me at all.. I cut all ties with her.

I graduated and moved on. I was mad at myself most of all. I fell into the trap of a petty crush, and I had turned down other opportunities with other girls, which may have resulted in great relationships...What Can I say? Young and stupid.

I bottled up all this shit inside. I actually ran into the girl a few years ago. I looked at her, said 'Hi' and walked away. As far as I was concerned, all that was behind me.

To bring us back to the present, I dreamed about her last night. The first time I had thought of her in years (except for the aforementioned few minutes when I saw her). It was strange. As the minutes tick by, my recollection of what the dream was even about fades more and more. One thing is certain though...I wanted her in the dream. That's what disturbs me. I put all that away, moved on. I can honestly say I have no desire to be with her anymore...but yet, I dreamed that I wanted to be with her. What the fuck does this even mean? I'm not sure if I want to know.

God, I just had to let that out. Who needs a psychiatrist when you have a blog?